Normally I use my blog to write about public school events in Oklahoma. Today I am going to write about something different, Cancer Survivorship. April is Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. I have been cancer free for 12 years now. In October of 2001 I was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer. I received two surgeries, 4 rounds of chemo, countless shots, pricks, and prods. Since I had already had two surgeries I did not have a port put in to receive my chemo. I had to have everything done through IV. It was a very long and trying time. Through hospital stays, blood transfusions, and blood reports it was a very difficult process. I literally vomited almost every day. There were the seldom days I didn't vomit, but I vomited multiple times a day far more than days without. I lost a lot of weight, lost my hair, and became very weak and frail. There were a lot of dark days where it just didn't look like I would live. Somehow I managed, and became a cancer survivor.
I tell the above story to say that I know that I am fortunate to be a cancer survivor. I may also be the worst cancer survivor ever!! I don't like to talk about being a survivor. In twelve years of survivorship, I have been to maybe 3 Relay for Lifes. I went to one the very months after being cancer free. I assumed that is what you should do as a survivor. I went to one last year because I friend and a high school classmate had passed away from Cancer recently. Our high school class got a team together. We named the team after him and we participated. I think I have been to one other relay event just can't place the year or occasion. When I was writing my bio for twitter I debated for days whether to put cancer survivor on it. I even printed out the forms from the Testicular Cancer Awareness Foundation to be a volunteer and just can't seem to complete forms. The hardest part for me about being a survivor is the guilt.
I struggle with the guilt of being a survivor while so many others were not that lucky. When you are a survivor its hard not to forget what you went through. In between my last surgery and my first round of chemo I bought a journal. I thought it would be good to chronicle my events. After two days of chemo and about 5 vomiting sessions I never picked up that journal again. I said I never wanted to remember these events once they were over. However the scar that runs the length of abdomen plus countless other events each day make it impossible to forget. Some days the memories are quick and fleeting. Other days they are as heavy as the world on Atlas's shoulders. Each time I remember though brings with it a little guilt. Everyone knows or knows of someone that was not as fortunate. Not with us anymore because they lost the struggle with cancer. There is no good explanation of why they didn't make it and I did. I feel guilty every time I talk to someone. I just know it is hard for them to talk about a disease that took someone they knew or cared about. I know all the memories they have, which ended badly, are rushing back to them. I don't want to be the cause of bringing back those painful times. I would rather us be able to talk about something better. Maybe even share a laugh!!
I decided to write this post today with the hopes maybe it would help a little. I am not a huge writer, but hoping maybe a therapeutic session of writing will help a little. Maybe today will be a fleeting day of good memories. To those of you putting up the fight I applaud you. Remain positive about the outcome. Fight like hell to see another day. Rely on the peace of God to help you each day. To the other countless survivors I wish you well. I congratulate you on defeating cancer and pray that you never have to fight that fight again.
Anyone interested in more info on testicular cancer can go here.
http://www.testicularcancerawarenessfoundation.org/
Testicular cancer is the leading cancer in men ages 18-35. It's very treatable if detected early. Don't try to be tough. If you have even the slightest swelling in one testical, get it checked out!!
